you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize