we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
