You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
