i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
