I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
