I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
