Non-Jews are for practice
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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