Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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