i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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