There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
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The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
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I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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