Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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