worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
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