I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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