Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
