I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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