Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
