I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
