You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
