i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
