he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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