i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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