Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
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There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
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By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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