My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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