I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize