I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
