Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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