Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
