Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
