I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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