Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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