Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
