Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
