that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
