I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm just crazy horny about you
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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