Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
