Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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