Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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