put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
