We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This is the high leading the old right now
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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