If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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