I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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