I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
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If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
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Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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