mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you traded sex for a burrito?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
