I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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