Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
