Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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