Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
