Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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