That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
