i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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