Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
