I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
