i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
this will be a night to untag.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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