A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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